Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
