y did u give ur computer a hand job?
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Randomize
