my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
