I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
