So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
