hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Randomize
