I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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