she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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