I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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