last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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