I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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