Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
