I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
