I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
