If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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