I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
