Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
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