He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
