saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
