U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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