I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
did i just pee glitter
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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