All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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