The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
