Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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