i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
How external is "for external use only"?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
