I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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