I puked a lego.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
me + whiskey = a bad person
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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