it's too hot outside to masturbate.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
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