i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
