How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
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