I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
