I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
