i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
