update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Everyone says I win the strip club
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
