There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
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