I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
