There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
