I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
