I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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