i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
