just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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