you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Randomize
