every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
