i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
