In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
