Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
