If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
