i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
