i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
