You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
